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My favorite “what-if” scenario I’ve been noodling for quite some time goes like this:

1) Biden finally gives up the ghost and Kamala becomes surprise-president right before the convention

2) In the absence of a graceful passing of the torch, a huge amount of brouhaha is made about who “gets to” be VP as DNC insiders/delegates refuse to even consider replacing an “incumbent” but they decide to compromise with a direct Gen Z appeal candidate to liven up the youth vote

3) RFK Jr. continues to be a nuisance and pulls away key demographics of Dem voters

4) Trump figures the best way to irritate the DNC would be to name RFK Jr. as his VP

5) The DNC decides the best way to counter that threat is to have Schlossberg come out as a Harris surrogate

6) Taylor Swift announces she has broken up with Kelce before the end of August

7) Kelce implies she “got bored” and wanted someone with “a little more polish” to be her “man trophy”

8) Schlossberg is only mildly effective as a surrogate, but attracts enough social media interest for a critical mass of the terminally online “discovers” he’s the “Kennedy” ex of T-Swift

9) Rumors start swirling around September that T Swift and Schlossberg have gotten back together right after the second scheduled debate (to distract from either candidate’s poor performance)

10) Rumor becomes reality as the two have a very public digital courtship laughing about this meme and are then photographed together in a date like setting

11) 2024’s “October Surprise” is a last minute endorsement of Harris by Taylor Swift

12) Harris wins but pledges to have an open primary in 2028

13) Schlossberg locks the nomination, marries Swift, and we get a whole “Presidential Era” added to the tour set list. (Whether he wins the general or not is almost beside the point at that stage, as Swift finally gets to have the closest thing to a “Princess Diaries” moment any American could get and thus finally achieves her One Big Goal of Having It All.)

Anywho. While that future is so unlikely it’s just one step away from joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s certainly a lot more entertaining than listening to a bunch of the same old geezers go at it for the billionth time.

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this was a great read. thanks for sharing, my fellow election multiverse fanfic writer!

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Oh, and we're gonna need a bigger bingo card, if we're staying.

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We're going to need a lot of things. And AFTER NOVEMBER is the new macabre unit of time.

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Oh, ahahaha. Can't wait? 🤕 is this the emoji for being in a coma?

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Hmmm, how many units of time do we have left? Dammit, we're running out of units!

Are there any (scifi) movies or books with a plot based on this? Let's write this script and sell it for a bajillion dollars. God, we're good. I mean, we're all good and truly fucked, but ———

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How much does a Canadian passport go for right now? A million? Two million? Canadian? No?! Two million American dollars? After November, it's gonna go up to twenty million. Fuck me.

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I feel healed by this newsletter. I cackled the whole way through. Honestly, I'm pro young Kennedy. What this country needs is a HOT president to remind us who we are.

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I could not agree more. A young, shirtless president would really temper the societal collapse.

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