I CAN FIX AMERICA!
Let's workshop some ideas.
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Hi friends!
As much as I yearn to vibe high, it would be Unhingement malpractice not to discuss what happened last week. I didn’t watch the debate (harm reduction), instead I went out and drank two skinny margaritas during a heatwave, the better way to give yourself a headache.
Like, why even watch when the outcome was so predictable. The former president and current convicted felon lied aplenty. The current president made an airtight case to send himself back to where old men named Joe belong — in bed with the other Chocolate Factory grandparents. And as a bonus, they fought about golf.
It would be cool to live in a world where Donald Trump’s treason is ranked worse than Joe Biden being law school classmates with the Cryptkeeper. But, here we are, and it’s TIME cover official: There is panic in the limbo.
America needs to do a grounding exercise immediately. Everyone take a deep breath … hold it (4,3,2,1) … OK, let it out. Now focus on your five senses and:
Name five things you can see. I see mainstream media imploding, a vile and enabling Supreme Court that needs to be cancelled midseason, homoerotic debate TikToks, an expanding political multiverse, and 4th of July celebrations being even weirder this year.
Touch four things around you. I touched grass four times.
Find three things you can hear. I hear three different voices in my head. Voice one asks if it’s finally time to leave America and explore Canada’s parochial version of Unhingement. Voice two is into the chaos. Voice three is still singing, “Girl, you walk like a bitch” on loop.
Smell two smells. I smell summertime sadness on the internet and also the sweet air of getting some jokes off.
And treat yourself to one glorious taste. For me, that’s some weed because I “work” from home and I deserve it.
When you have this level of dysfunction happening, you must seek outside help. We don’t get to choose which country we are born into and I was not born into this one. I have, however, lived here for almost 15 years (New York and Los Angeles only, so I definitely know what I’m talking about) and that gives me a unique perspective to save what’s left of American democracy.
There’s a lot that needs to be fixed, but today’s workshop will focus on our most pressing issue — what to do about replacing President Uncle Joe because, my god, if that doesn’t happen then this country is cooked (chaotic deranged). Trump is also old as fuck but he is the diametric opposite of “only the good die young” and his obvious dementia just makes him more relatable to his base, a group of people who could never ride with someone firing on all cylinders (chaotic unhinged). They’re so committed to his bit that he could’ve had a stroke live on CNN and they would have just praised his Biden impression.
OK, here are some thought starters:
Bring Back Bernie
So, I know that Bernard (true neutral, duh) is actually a year older than Joe, but he has that old school activist zeal that keeps a grumpy Jewish man forever young, playing squash, and ready to argue until 103. And he can definitely beat Trump. Is the Democrat establishment still more terrified of his progressive politics than Project 2025? Don’t answer that.
Engage the Higher Dimensions
I was able to astral travel last night and connected with Marianne Williamson (lawful unhinged because she works the Law of Attraction). I confirmed that she is willing to re-enter the race if allowed and would accept the nomination if the universe can officially be her running mate. I want an energy worker as president, someone who is dedicated to saving the vibes, and I think we can all agree that America needs to jump at least three timelines to reasonably function as a country.
Throw A Younger Kennedy Into the Mix
We already have RFK Jr., the brain worm Kennedy, in the mix as an independent (neutral unhinged). Why not get that sweet, decisive Gen Z vote and add Jack Schlossberg, the brain rot Kennedy, to the ticket (chaotic neutral).
No one in Washington knows how to reach Gen Z, but JFK’s only grandson is already reaching them where they live — on TikTok with masterfully crafted weirdo vignettes evocative of his cousin, Little Edie Beale. He has become somewhat of a niche internet darling, the kind you assume has a bigger reach if the algo knows you like the weird stuff, but it seems his profile is growing because The Cut wrote him up last week. Why not give him a try? Couldn’t hurt!
Open Casting Call
Michelle Obama would win tomorrow in a landslide, but, girl, LOL, she’s not about to clean up this mess or stop producing movies with Barack (lawful neutral, JDs from Harvard). I met Gavin Newsom when I first moved to LA, working at a website that made political videos engineered to go viral on Facebook, and he has the same energy as a fresh set of veneers (neutral deranged). Kamala is too high on Xanax to run the country but I hope she has some good soundbites soon, I love listening to her, not gonna lie (lawful deranged because she’s a cop).
The other options that are being semi-officially thrown around suck, like random governors? Even though I kind of love Gretchen Whitmer because that kidnapping plot was so camp, it’s still a no from me (didn’t make the board).
I say we hold an open call for the nominee instead. It could, and maybe should, be anybody at this point. We can get Tyra Banks out of retirement to host a nightly show and all vote with our phones. Hillary Clinton will be the Simon Cowell.
Let me know what resonates or if you have any other ideas. Together we can come up with … something?
Before I go, happy Canada Day to my dear friends and lunatic family members holding it down in the North. I will see you in a week when I make my summer pilgrimage — please get in touch if you want to show me Toronto’s finest unhingements or invite me to your cottage.
Also, is this a MONDAY newsletter now? Like, what’s going on with my schedule? I have Garfield energy and I don’t like to do anything on a Monday unless someone comes over here and makes me. I need to rethink my entire life.
Have a great week, my loves! Let’s shoot for mid vibes at least.
Less Lessons More Blessin’s™️
Liz
My favorite “what-if” scenario I’ve been noodling for quite some time goes like this:
1) Biden finally gives up the ghost and Kamala becomes surprise-president right before the convention
2) In the absence of a graceful passing of the torch, a huge amount of brouhaha is made about who “gets to” be VP as DNC insiders/delegates refuse to even consider replacing an “incumbent” but they decide to compromise with a direct Gen Z appeal candidate to liven up the youth vote
3) RFK Jr. continues to be a nuisance and pulls away key demographics of Dem voters
4) Trump figures the best way to irritate the DNC would be to name RFK Jr. as his VP
5) The DNC decides the best way to counter that threat is to have Schlossberg come out as a Harris surrogate
6) Taylor Swift announces she has broken up with Kelce before the end of August
7) Kelce implies she “got bored” and wanted someone with “a little more polish” to be her “man trophy”
8) Schlossberg is only mildly effective as a surrogate, but attracts enough social media interest for a critical mass of the terminally online “discovers” he’s the “Kennedy” ex of T-Swift
9) Rumors start swirling around September that T Swift and Schlossberg have gotten back together right after the second scheduled debate (to distract from either candidate’s poor performance)
10) Rumor becomes reality as the two have a very public digital courtship laughing about this meme and are then photographed together in a date like setting
11) 2024’s “October Surprise” is a last minute endorsement of Harris by Taylor Swift
12) Harris wins but pledges to have an open primary in 2028
13) Schlossberg locks the nomination, marries Swift, and we get a whole “Presidential Era” added to the tour set list. (Whether he wins the general or not is almost beside the point at that stage, as Swift finally gets to have the closest thing to a “Princess Diaries” moment any American could get and thus finally achieves her One Big Goal of Having It All.)
Anywho. While that future is so unlikely it’s just one step away from joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s certainly a lot more entertaining than listening to a bunch of the same old geezers go at it for the billionth time.
Oh, and we're gonna need a bigger bingo card, if we're staying.