Do You Suffer from Millennial Age Blindness?
You may be entitled to overcompensation.
This week’s episode is brought to you by the tour. What tour? The world tour.
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Hi friends!
Hope you’re all staying hydrated because this weather is giving global air frying and we can’t let the heat take us down mere days into Hot Beef Summer. Not before President Uncle Joe and his obvious facelift beef it out with the convicted felon and his obvious scheme to destroy American democracy. 90 minutes live on CNN this Thursday. And a social media discourse to boot. If that takes us down, well, we’ve had a good run.
I’m sad RFK Jr. didn’t make the lineup — that injection of kookiness is what I personally crave at this point. But he’s better off meditating with the ravens he’s domesticating than throwing yet another wrench into an election season that is so off the fucking rails it’s basically a soap opera. Working title: The Old and the Feckless.
Lest unhinged politics be America’s domain this week, the French government has already spent billions of dollars trying to make the Seine swimmable for the Olympics by the end of July and the latest tests show it’s still full of E. coli amongst other microbial treats. The (socialist) mayor of Paris has now postponed her ceremonial swim and photo op twice. Protesters had a hashtag going, #JeChieDansLaSeineLe23Juin, which translates to I shit in the Seine on 23 June (the original date of the mayor’s river dip). Mais oui, a shit show. If anyone has evidence of that actually happening yesterday, let me know. The French are so them, j’adore.
This past week marked an important anniversary in the annals of Unhingement, one full year since the late, great submersible entered the chat and the internet did some of its best ever work. That was the week a bunch of you found me for the first time — thank you, billionaires, for sacrificing your lives so that I could have more subscribers. We will never forget you!
I’ve sent like 40 of these emails since then and have yet to write a better subject line than “The Sub that Dommed Us All,” but I may get a chance to top myself. According to some screenshots I saw, there are two more submersible missions in the works, one going back to the Titanic wreckage (why not), and one going to a very deep and enigmatic “blue hole” cavern off the coast of the Bahamas that locals believe is a portal to hell.
As I wrote last year, “I will never understand the zest for danger that seems to fuel so many wealthy men.” These lunatics have too much money and don’t know the simple joys of bed rotting and looking at your phone in the AC. What a sad way to live.
We’re also told that the cop who pulled Timberlake over “was so young that he didn’t even know” who the 10-time Grammy winner was.
“He didn’t recognize him or his name,” our insider says.
A second source adds, “Justin said under his breath, ‘This is going to ruin the tour.’ The cop replied, ‘What tour?’ Justin said ‘The world tour.’
(Source: someone posted it on TikTok)
This week’s distinction in Unhingement obviously goes to the 22-year-old cop who saw a zooted Justin Timberlake driving home in Sag Harbor, pulled him over, then humbled him so purely that “what tour?” memes are still being liked by people with ACAB in their bio. Honorable mention to whoever took the mugshot because the lighting was kind of great and they really captured his bloodshot eyes, evocative of me on my way into math class in 2003.
It’s been so long since the heyday of Justin Timberlake as America’s ramen-haired sweetheart that whether the cop was playing dumb or genuinely didn’t recognize him is irrelevant. Justin clearly needs help, in many ways, I believe his last hit was nearly a decade ago and attached to the movie Trolls.
Unclear on whether spending the night in jail was a rude awakening for him. But, I have to say, it should be a bit of a rude awakening for the rest of us when the top boy of the boy band era is now, at least in the eyes of a 22-year-old cop, just another old guy drunk-driving his beemer.
I have some bad news, we’re all getting older. Even those of us who refuse to give in. I live in Los Angeles, I have seen what that can do to a face. You have to let the aging happen. It’s all around us and the alternative is bad.
I actually love getting older, probably because I’ve been a 35-year-old woman since I was born and can finally be free. But I’m also completely delusional about my age, until I find myself at the wrong bar, wondering when day care centers started serving natural wine. I, like so many of us, suffer from what I have decided to call Millennial Age Blindness™️ — a generational disability that prevents us from seeing just how middle-aged we truly fucking are.
Millennial Age Blindness™️ is assuming you look 27 until you are confronted with the harsh reality of what a 27-year-old looks like. It’s thinking you can still drink until you are confronted with the harsh reality of what that looks like, too. It’s just now realizing that 2004 was somehow twenty years ago because even though you look “27,” you don’t have enough brain cells left to do simple math.
To my boomer community: I adore your readership, I adore when you pay for dinner, and you have my utmost respect for the gumption with which you have led your lives, even if it has left a bit of a … trail. You need to retire and let us be the boomers now. I know millennials being old makes you guys OLD old, but you’re not helping us see our ages clearly. We all need to do our part in aiding this transition so millennials can take our rightful place on the throne of being the giant, annoying generation in charge.
To my millennial community: We’ve made it so far. Primitive man only lived until, like, forty and we’re just getting started, even with our trauma, back pain, and fear of cultural irrelevancy amidst societal collapse. I recommend ignoring what the youths are into and taking up pilates. Stay limber and work that core, everything is insane and we have some shit to do.
To everyone else: I’m so sorry but this is just what happens when you give a generation like mine too much attention. I mean, there was a whole clickbait industry blaming us, the “kids” du jour, for ruining everything. We’re a very emotional group and I think we internalized our position as the disrupting youths. So we’re going to ruin aging too. And be annoying about it. Our reinvention of the midlife crisis and the conversation around it has simply just begun.
My brother and I have been vision boarding our midlife crises for over a year. What do you think you’re reading right now?
Less Lessons More Blessin’s™️
Liz