Beverages Have Lost the Plot
An afternoon at the Silver Lake Erewhon.
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Hi friends!
How we all doing out here on the precipice of the best summer ever?1 I am committed to living life a bit more offline, so even though Donald Trump joined TikTok with a UFC-themed post and then a clinically insane teaser of his interview with the chrome dome demon of daytime himself, Dr. Phil, came across my FYP, we won’t be discussing that today.
We also won’t be discussing that the virgin stingray will not be giving birth after all — either an aquatic tragedy or the greatest internet fallacy since Kony 2012. Instead, I am kicking off my “Summer IRL” series.
This summer, unless there is an event that demands discussion, I shall take a break from writing about unhingements you can scroll to write about unhingements you can feel.
I know I’m late in sending this, but time isn’t real and neither is a self-imposed deadline. I actually had to work last week and spending so many days in this basic ass energetic realm gave me a headache. Refreshments were needed.
So, I decided to pay a visit to a paragon of collective madness right in my own backyard, the Silver Lake Erewhon2, where I drank something called the “Sunscreen Smoothie” and enjoyed it greatly.
For my readers who are not familiar with the world’s foremost purveyor of photogenic, collagen enriched, celebrity endorsed glop, Erewhon is a chain of grocery stores in Los Angeles where everything costs exponentially more than any sane person would assume. It’s like a health food store went to Burning Man, did some networking, did some ayahuasca, and then decided to become an influencer.
Erewhon is a major player in both the nonsense economy and the little treat economy. It is the birthplace of Andre 3000 making a flute album. Dedicated to both the spiritualization of beverages and the fetishization of pristine health — it has helped usher in a whole new era of crazy things to drink.
California is, of course, the epicenter of beverages losing the plot. It feels like only yesterday, not 2016, that we were cackling at the Moon Juice lady’s sparse and supplement-filled food diary. Her Venice Beach diet of green juice, unpronounceable mushrooms, and expensive powdered twigs seemed wild, but she was just a thought leader in a very specific form of Unhingement that I like to call Unwellness Culture™️.
Since then, we’ve all been complicit in mainstreaming the juices, the smoothies, the probiotic elixirs, and the various adaptogenic brews. We, as a society, just keep pushing the boundaries of what our liquids are expected to do.
Tell me why we expect our sodas to be “functional” when so many of us can barely make that happen for ourselves. Poppi, the “healthy” soda company is now facing a class-action lawsuit against its claims to be good for your gut. As one doctor told the New York Times, “if people are concerned about their microbiome … vegetables would do wonders.” (LMAO).
I’ve never sipped on a Poppi, but I once tried a “ginger ale” from their biggest competitor, Olipop. It tasted like something a hummingbird would enjoy. People who drink these regularly, are you OK?
I first noticed my favorite unhinged drink trend — spiritual bevs — about six weeks ago when I walked over to my corner store to buy some beer for a park hang on a lovely Sunday afternoon. When I spotted a six pack of ALL WE HAVE IS NOW IPA from a brewery called Radiant Beer Co., I was extremely entertained and powerless against purchasing it.
If I ever wax earnestly on “branding,” please know that I’ve been abducted by aliens and AI has replaced me. Don’t click the affiliate links. But a can of alcohol with “sending out light” on the label is the level of delusion I now demand from all the goods I purchase.
And nowhere on this melting planet will you see more delusion manifested in the form of consumable products than an Erewhon market. It was, after all, the “Sunscreen Smoothie” — a marketing activation with an Instagram-y sunscreen brand that makes a great SPF 30 baby oil — that inspired this pilgrimage to the holiest site of deranged libations. And that coconut smoothie with its little blue spirulina streak was so good. It was also half the price and half the size of a “normal” Erewhon smoothie, ideal to me.
Erewhon always inspires my worst Jane Goodall behavior. While I sat outside and sipped my little smoothie, I overheard a woman bemoan that the patriarchy stole Friday the 13th, “it was originally a goddess day.” I saw a steady stream of delivery drivers pick up a single smoothie because we live in a world where spending $35 with fees on one drink delivered by someone who makes less than minimum wage and pays for their own gas is just part of the ambiance.
I observed multiple groups of 20-something girlies dressed in a microtrend amalgamation of Paris Hilton’s Y2K wardrobe and the Canadian Tire hunting aisle. I clocked the matrix glitch of three people sitting alone, eating kelp noodles, and looking at their phones. Then, I got a little peckish, so I went back in to set a $20 bill on fire buy myself some spicy tuna crispy rice.
Looking for a seltzer, I found a wall of beverages claiming they’d solve my problems instead. VYBES were offered in a cute, minimalist bottle with the description of MIND + BODY FUNCTION. Vague but sounds ideal. One drink called UPDATE (spelled in energy drink hieroglyphics) touted itself as CAFFEINE EVOLVED. We have already evolved caffeine, you guys, it’s called Adderall. And why were both these brands yelling at me?
A whole slew of adaptogen-laced nectars offered either calm or focus, never both at once. But my favorite drink, the craziest one, was called EMOTIONAL UTILITY BEVERAGE, a can that self-describes as “feeling’s liquid form” and claims to help you shift gears, emotionally. ChatGPT did such a good job writing the copy that I simply had to buy the Mangoes Passionfruit flavor (first ingredient filtered water, second ingredient organic cane sugar). Sugar water can give us a lot: hydration, empty calories, a CBD dose or two. But emotional regulation … that feels outside its purview. I haven’t tried it yet but will let you know if it changes everything.
I’m a traditionalist when it comes to what I drink: coffee, water, seltzer, wine. And yes, the odd spiritual bev. But even my basics have reached new heights. Coffee culture is crazier than ever. Water cups are causing riots. The seltzer bubble shows no sign of bursting. Wine must now experience skin on skin contact and be as natural as the morning rain.
Everything being batshit crazy is in. Drinking alcohol is out. We need something to sip on that takes the edge off. I get it.
But this situation is beyond. Let’s get back to basics with a nice chamomile tea and put the crazy ass bevs to bed for a while.
Stay hydrated and have a great week, my loves!
Less Lessons More Blessin’s™️
Liz
I shan’t ever lose my optimism, even if it kills me. 🤗
Thank you to my dear friend Amy Taylor for suggesting I go to Erewhon — if you have any thoughts on Age of Unhingement™️ locales I should visit this summer, hit reply and lmk!